Greg Mendez's Beauty Land circles back to the same place again and again: forgiveness, offered and asked for, like a practice. This week on Absent Sounds, we sat down with Greg on the grass to talk about far-sickness, the strange comfort of graveyards and hospitals, the difference between loving someone and loving them selfishly, and what tricks are still left to pull before the candle goes out.
Absent Sounds: I guess the first question, since we're sitting outside on the grass — I've been thinking about this a lot lately, like I don't know how many summers I have left in my life. There's only so many. If you had, say, 50 summers left, how would you want the shape of those summers to look?
Greg Mendez: Oh, man, I don't know. This one's pretty nice so far. I like doing this. I don't know if I'd want to do it for all 50, though.
Absent Sounds: Just maybe like 25?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, maybe, if that. A couple more, maybe.
Absent Sounds: What would you want to shift those summers to look like instead?
Greg Mendez: I don't know — maybe going somewhere that's not brutally hot, but still nice.
Absent Sounds: I think Morocco, maybe? Someone told me it's not hot, apparently. Anyway — I think a lot of the themes in Beauty Land — tell me if I'm interpreting this wrong — sometimes it feels like your music has this far-sickness, almost the opposite of homesickness. Like you'd enjoy this moment if you were somebody else, or somewhere else.
Greg Mendez: Yeah. I mean, I think so — you're definitely not wrong. A lot of the voices on the record are longing for something else, for sure. It's a very powerful emotion.
Absent Sounds: One other thing we noticed you do a lot in your work is create these little vignettes — Weadee described it as feeling compact, like a gentle summer wind. Which is fitting, it's kind of windy right now. What attracts you to that type of storytelling?
Greg Mendez: I think I kind of just fell into it, honestly. I always try to find the balance between something I like and something I feel like I can do well, and just ended up there. If I was thinking about what kind of music I'd want to make and the possibilities were endless, maybe I wouldn't have picked this — but it's like I'm the height that I am, too, you know? You can't do everything.
Absent Sounds: You've talked about things getting pretty bad while you were making the record. Do you feel like it's easier for you to create when things are rougher, or when you're in a better place?
Greg Mendez: Honestly, I think it's easier if I'm in a better place. If I'm treating myself well, things generally go more smoothly.
Absent Sounds: Yeah — I was thinking about how some people say it's easier for them to create out of grief, like they have to be in a bad place to make something. I thought that was an interesting thing to try to get out of.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, I definitely think being in a better place is more of a help than a hindrance, if anything. I'm not particularly inspired by depression — maybe "inspired" is the wrong word — but if I'm down bad, I'm just not doing this. When I'm excited about something, things start firing off.
Absent Sounds: What makes you feel excited or curious?
Greg Mendez: Just having an idea I'm excited about. I'm usually at my best when I'm happy — even if the music doesn't end up sounding happy. If I'm making something in a state where I'm joyful about it, I feel like that really comes through.
Absent Sounds: It connects more with people too, I think, when you're pure-hearted while making it. When you perform, do you find the same kind of fulfillment as when you're writing or recording? What part of the process brings you the most joy?
Greg Mendez: I really like writing and recording — I think that's the part that drew me to it in general. I don't feel like a natural performer, but I've grown to like it. Every night is different. Sometimes I'm up there and it really feels like it's coming through me, very true. And then sometimes my mind is like, "What should I eat after this?" and I'm just going through the motions. Depends on the night.
Absent Sounds: Even going through the motions — that leads into the book you mentioned in your Reddit AMA on r/Indieheads, by Julian Jaynes.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, we just listened to a podcast about it in the car, actually.
Absent Sounds: I was listening to his lecture too because I couldn't finish the book.
Greg Mendez: I tried. Haven't finished it either. I'm still reading it. It's crazy, though, right?
Absent Sounds: I'm curious about when you came into being — the moment you felt like a conscious being, your self-actualization.
Greg Mendez: I don't know. I think I've always felt maybe too aware. I had a lot of trouble connecting with people, even as a kid, just because I was so in my own head about things, and indecisive. What's described in the book is basically the opposite of what I was like — definitely not "just do this thing." I was always paralyzed.
Absent Sounds: That reminds me of the first song — I heard you've described it as a spiral. It's interesting because it juxtaposes so well with how soft the song feels. When I imagine a spiral, I imagine something chaotic on the outside, but my spiraling is very soft and quiet, which is maybe why it made sense that the song stayed soft even as a spiral.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, I think so. Maybe when I was younger it would come out the other way sometimes, but — I was just sitting on the bed and I heard it, started playing it on guitar, and the words came really quickly. Then I fussed with the arrangement and the recording so much I almost threw the whole thing out.
Absent Sounds: What stopped you from throwing it out?
Greg Mendez: Just other people being like, "Are you nuts?"
Absent Sounds: Do they often play the voice of reason? I know your wife is one of those voices, right?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, she's definitely one of them.
Absent Sounds: I'm curious about the second song, Looking At Your Window. What kind of places have you had experiences with that got permanently changed because of something that happened there, without it necessarily being a huge moment? Actually — you know what's strange — I wonder at what age hospitals become scary. Is it immediate, like as soon as you're born?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, maybe. It's like the first thing.
Absent Sounds: Or when do you learn to be afraid of the dentist, or water — I'm curious when a space becomes something else for you.
Greg Mendez: I think I'm weirdly comforted by hospitals, actually. I don't know, something's wrong in here, I guess. But yeah, that stuff can definitely change. When's the moment? I don't know.
Absent Sounds: I'm going to list some places — tell me if you feel comfortable in them. Graveyards.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, I feel a lot of emotions in graveyards. I'm not really scared of them. If I'm alone at night it's a little spooky, but sometimes I feel this strange sense of connection — thinking about the history, seeing the dates, imagining what their life was like. That's really crazy to me.
Absent Sounds: Someone looking into your window — you look across and see someone staring at you.
[laughing]Greg Mendez: That's scary. 100%. But also, weirdly, comforting — not alone.
Absent Sounds: The principal's office, or any authority office.
Greg Mendez: I'm usually just mad, probably. I spent a lot of time in those as a kid.
Absent Sounds: Okay, we'll jump down to Mary/Dreaming — we kind of already touched on this in "I Wanna Feel Pretty," with the tinkering and making mistakes on the record, then accepting it, playing it live, and keeping it. We're wondering about moments in your life where you made a mistake that ended up being good.
Greg Mendez: Man, I mean, I guess everything, really — because you never know. What if I hadn't made a wrong turn on the street, would something else have happened instead? We'll never know. And I love that.
Absent Sounds: It doesn't bring you anxiety, it brings you comfort?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, because you could just flip a coin — there's no way to know.
Absent Sounds: Do you believe in alternate universes?
Greg Mendez: I kind of do, yeah. Not for any reason other than — why not? Feels good.
Absent Sounds: In the alternate universe of Greg — what's Greg doing right now?
Greg Mendez: Maybe my name's Craig.
Absent Sounds: I think I'm the type of person who doesn't really like to ruminate or reflect on things afterward — I try to do the postmortem during the event, which doesn't really work. Are you more of a reflective person, or do you seek understanding in the moment?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, I think I'm more reflective. I try to do both, but I get too caught up in my emotions in the moment. I see things better later. A lot of the songwriting comes from a removed perspective — I can zoom out and figure out what's really going on.
Absent Sounds: Do you think you can only gain perspective with time?
Greg Mendez: Maybe not only, but I think time gives a perspective you can't cheat.
Absent Sounds: That's a good line. Okay — jumping to the next track, "Everybody Wants to Be Your Friend Except Me." I resonate with this idea — there's almost a shame when everybody else likes somebody except you, like you're the problem. I was curious about friendship — when can you firmly say, "this is my friend," and when can you say, "I don't think this person is a friend"?
Greg Mendez: It could be a lot of different things — sometimes it's just a vibe, which can be pretty immediate. But a lot of times you can tell somebody's a true friend when something really happens — do they have your back? And do you want to have theirs? Because sometimes the answer is no, if they're getting into crazy stuff all the time and I'm not co-signing that.
Absent Sounds: That's actually — I was thinking about how you sometimes just accept, "well, I guess I have to have this person in my life," when actually, no, you can choose. It's relevant because my therapist asked me a couple weeks ago what friendship looks like in my life, and honestly I don't really know, concretely, what that would mean. So I'm curious about your ideas too — give me some and I'll write them down.
Greg Mendez: Like I said — it's just somebody you enjoy spending time with, and that you care about. If someone's my friend, I'd get arrested for them. If they had drugs in my car and we got pulled over, I'd just say it was mine.
Absent Sounds: The idea of self-sacrifice or martyrdom — I used to really associate that with love. Like, I have to suffer for it or it's not real, I'm not a real friend. But I'm trying not to associate friendship with pain all the time. Kind of a gentle love.
Absent Sounds: That leads us into "Gentle Love" — nice segue. Two things about the music video: one, that doll is so cool, but also kind of scary.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, that was the idea.
Absent Sounds: We were fascinated by how the way you're tending to the doll is almost wrong, but caring — giving it food but the food falls on its face, or putting it in a bath when it's going to get all wet. Has there been a way you've learned that people were loving you, but you weren't able to receive it at the time?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, totally. I feel like there are a lot of instances of people trying, and it's just not working. Some of the idea of that song was that someone might love you, but the way they go about it is selfish — it's for them, and it's not taking into account who you are.
Absent Sounds: I think that sounds like a lot of what parents do.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, it's exactly what parents do.
Absent Sounds: If you were to write a handbook now, with the top three things Greg needs to feel cared for or loved — what would be at the top?
Greg Mendez: Top three — I don't know, I've never really thought about it for myself. I just appreciate it when people meet me where I'm at. That's really it.
Absent Sounds: I think that's also about the other person knowing how you'd like to be met — or being able to ask.
Greg Mendez: Or you can ask, actually.
Absent Sounds: Wow — like that's an option!!
Greg Mendez: Asking's really cool. "What do you need?"
Absent Sounds: Second thing on "Gentle Love" — are you an everyday whistler? Do you whistle?
Greg Mendez: No, not really. I recorded whistling one other time before this —
Absent Sounds: for "Slaughter."
Greg Mendez: That was really just an accident.
Absent Sounds: A little mistake, wrong place wrong time, or right place right time. So — what I had written down for "Frog" was that the track is essentially one line, but comes back to the idea of forgiveness, which is already a theme in the record. I wanted to know more about your relationship with asking for forgiveness, and forgiveness in general.
Greg Mendez: I think I'm better at forgiving other people than I am at forgiving myself, or asking for it for myself.
Absent Sounds: I think I read that you said it was a spontaneous track that felt like an offering. Is that just a singular moment within "Frog," or a constant thing in your music?
Greg Mendez: I think it's a constant thing. I'm always trying to offer something up or communicate something I can't just say in words. If I could just say it all, I probably wouldn't even make music.
Absent Sounds: I'll jump down to "Sunsick" — more forgiveness, right?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, they're all about forgiveness.
Absent Sounds: I remember someone once told me — you say sorry for things that are so normal, little things, but you don't ask forgiveness for the big things. Is that something you struggle with?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, totally. I think it's a really beautiful idea — just loving somebody anyway. There's a hard thing there, but I feel like the reward for it is really great.
Absent Sounds: And the idea that forgiveness isn't just one time, but constant — every time you're confronted with the thing again.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, and you can forgive somebody and still get sore about it again in your mind. It's kind of like love — it's a practice.
Absent Sounds: Thinking about practice — I love the piano part that comes in on this one, but also the idea of practicing, or not being very good, or having limited ability on certain instruments. How do you get comfortable sharing something when you're not, like, a billion percent good at it?
Greg Mendez: In that sense, I couldn't do much else on piano than what I do, but it doesn't feel like "bad piano" to me — it's just simple. If it serves the song, I'll use it. I'll look bad at something. I don't care.
Absent Sounds: Is there a feeling you're often going for when you're making music? Not necessarily "I know it's finished because of this feeling," but a vibe you're chasing.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, definitely. There's some unexplainable "it's finished" feeling, but before that I'm just going for the strongest feeling I can get, whatever it is — which could be different than what I'm actually feeling in the moment. I think that's important, because if a song only hit you when you were already feeling that way, that would suck. You want it to make somebody feel that.
Absent Sounds: That's some of the best songwriting — when you're able to move someone. What was the last thing that really moved you? Could be art, anything.
Greg Mendez: We just saw the movie Obsession last night. That really moved me — got me thinking about a lot of stuff, made me feel things.
Absent Sounds: I want to see it, but I'm convinced I should wait five years until the hype dies down.
Greg Mendez: It was good. I honestly hadn't heard any of the hype, since I don't really go on the internet — but the person I was with had heard it, so I was influenced secondhand.
Absent Sounds: I guess hype for Toy Story 5 too — people have been saying it's good.
Greg Mendez: Alright, cool, I like Toy Story. That movie makes you feel something.
Absent Sounds: Toy Story 3 specifically. Let's jump to "So Mean."
Greg Mendez: Yeah — honestly I don't really know what's going on with that one. I just thought it sounded good.[laughing]
Absent Sounds: I'll skip to "Concussion" — there's a line, "He got a couple tricks to pull before he's gone." Two questions off that: what are some last tricks you'd like to pull before your candle goes out?
Greg Mendez: Tricks — oof. I don't know. Maybe like a 360 flip or something — I don't think I've ever landed one.
Absent Sounds: Like a back handspring?
Greg Mendez: Yeah, I'd like to backflip too. I can't do that. I can't even do a cartwheel.
Absent Sounds: What are you still hoping to experience in this life that you haven't yet?
Greg Mendez: Maybe forgiving myself, going back to that.
Absent Sounds: Wow. I always imagine myself on my deathbed looking back and feeling bad for myself for hating my life the whole time — like, "look what this got me," when we're all gonna die anyway. There's that meditation where you put your hand on your heart, loving-kindness, and you extend it to yourself — like, if I can't forgive myself, maybe I can extend kindness to myself in this moment instead.
Greg Mendez: Yeah, I think that's really it, you know? Traveling's, like, whatever. Stressful.
Absent Sounds: But you'll make it through. Maybe you'll make another album?
Greg Mendez: I don't know. Every time I make one I'm like, "that's it."
Absent Sounds: Do you feel satisfied?
Greg Mendez: With the music? I mean —
Absent Sounds: Like, to say, "I don't need to do this anymore, I've said everything I wanted to say."
Greg Mendez: No, definitely not. But at the end of one I'm just like, "God, that was a pain in the ass." I could take a good long break from that.
Absent Sounds: [laughs] Like a summer. This is your break.
